teach me how to breathe :)

There I was across the street anxiously waiting for him at the other side of the street. He finally arrived and my heart started to beat faster but it was different. It beats as if I was terrified and something not good was about to happen. When he was about to cross the street a car was moving fast and with one blink of an eye Nicko was out of my sight. I wanted to run and help him but it was like my whole body froze in shock. I walked thru the crowd that quickly hid him from my vision. Scared, afraid to know that he might give out his last breath and knowing I was too late. Then finally there is my love helplessly lying on the cold road, left and abandoned. Bathing in his own blood, I knelt beside his insensible body. I closed my eyes as reality repeatedly slaps me to make me realize he’s gone. As I held Nicko’s hands, I whispered “Darling you can’t leave me now, not now”. The paramedics came and as they were about to lift his body into the ambulance I begged for a second. I kissed his forehead and mouthed my farewell. My friend held my hand but I was so occupied by my thoughts that I hardly understood a word she said. All I remembered, there I was holding a letter.

The days in his funeral were the longest days I ever spent. I heard voices saying condolences but as well as IT WAS HER FAULT. It was true; I was to be blamed for his death because I was self-centered. But what isn’t true is that I did not love and appreciated him. He was my only love and I cared for him more than anyone else in that room. No one knew my side of the story, they will never know that I loved him that much that I was afraid he’ll love me more than he loved himself. I was terrified I can never be the girl fitted for him. People looked at me like I did not deserve his love just like the way they look at me now with pure disgust.

For 3 years Nicko never heard a single complaint from me. He used to tell me I was perfect not knowing that every day was a struggle to be his dream girl. His eyes and ears were all focused on me that he neglected looking around his world. He never noticed how others criticized and looked for my flaws. His world was a perfect fairytale only fit for a princess. But this world was the coldest tower and I’m a damsel trapped inside it. He planned everything even my own life ahead of me as I thought. I feared that he’ll be living my life for me and forgetting his. One thing he forgot was to stop for a while and finally listen. He was so great that people think I was a piece of trash he picked. This is the reason why I left him, to find myself, to find my worth. I remember that night in the park when I struggled to hide my emotions and when I walked away finally out of his sight I looked back and prayed that this is not yet the end.

It’s been a week after his burial and I finally noticed the letter my friend handed me. I immediately recognized his handwriting. As I read his letter my tears rushed down for the first time. I never shed a tear for it was inside slowly ripping every part of my body. I can’t believe that even his last breath was made for me and made for our love. Now I know that he won’t be living my life instead he’ll be living his life for me. I’m sorry my sweet one, I was wrong. I was not strong enough to last the obstacles we had. Dumb enough not to realize we were in this together but all I did was to leave you behind. Darling I love you the way I always did and I’ll always do. I regret that I let you die out of love just like a leaf that suddenly slipped of my fingers. When I left I found your worth in my life and I found my worth. My life’s worth was to live a life full of your love and now that you’re gone it’s finally worthless.

This is my side of the story; I loved him in a way I thought was the best. It may never be good enough for anyone but none of your perceptions matter now. And whatever you do you can never match the kind of love I had for him. Nicko, I LOVED YOU more than anyone else did and more than anyone else can.

A story always stars a princess, a damsel, a young maiden and any other girl you could possibly think of while the guy’s role is to be the prince to love her or a knight in shining armor that would save a damsel. But often times he is also the one who turns out to be insensitive, self-absorbed and always the reason for despair. I loved like it was the reason why I lived and the same reason for my last breath. The only difference is I’m the guy.

I’m Nicko and meet Cassey my girlfriend for almost 3 years and I‘ve always known she’s the one. I have no other dream but to make her my wife, caress her in my arms and make her the most precious one. If my mom was still here I know she would love her just like everyone else did. Our friends always thought that she keeps the bind strong as ever. She is the perfect dream girl, the nicest friend and I will never exchange her for anything or anyone. Tomorrow is our anniversary and I was so occupied by my plans as I’m about to ask her to marry me. I was about to call her that night but I received a text message asking me to meet her at the park. I hesitantly packed my things and leave because my work was not yet done.

At the park, I saw her sitting at her favorite spot with her hair gracefully blown by the wind. She finally noticed my presence and slowly walked to me. I was about to hold her hands but she stepped back. “Is there a problem? You look pale.” I told her. She said she’s fine and whispered I’m leaving. I was surprised and ask her where she’s going. She looked straight and said “You had everything set before me and try to make it perfect that I feel soon you’ll be living my life instead of yours”. Her words finally hit me that she’s not going anywhere but away from me. I begged her to stay and give me another chance but all she said was “Everyday we had is another wasted chance, I’m sorry”. I shouted “I love you so much so why are you doing this?”. “No Nicko, the problem is you loved me not so much but too much” she replied then turned he back. I watched her walk away as her words echoed in my thoughts. I told myself if she looked back it won’t end here but she never did. When I looked at the street nothing was there, she was gone and my life was empty.

Each day that passed was as hard and painful just like that night. A month had passed but still her memories, our days and my undying love haunts me in my sleep. Waking up had never been this hard for she was like the sun that makes me smile in the morning. I don’t know why but it always felt that the world stop turning that night and I could barely feel my existence. I sent a message to my friend telling her to pick up a letter I wrote and meet me across the street. I was about to cross when a car from nowhere approached me and finally hit me. I can feel the pain slowly kill me as I heard voices around until there’s nothing.

The letter said:

I don’t know when or how I died but right now you may be crying over my tragic death and cursing the sky for my loss. My life was as dark as the sky when she left. Her love was the light that kept me going. Be happy while my dreams collapse before me was the last thing I will do. I can’t last another day enveloped in this pain that strangled me to my last breath. Love did not kill me but loving too much did for I have learned not to leave something for myself. My sweet ones never shall you be weary for I have suffered death only because of mortality but I had died a long time, the moment she walked away was the same time my heart stopped beating and slowly made it hard for breathing until I barely did. Farewell and tell my darling I’ve set her free.

So I’m the modern damsel in distress trapped not in a tower but in my own love and shattered dreams all because i learned how to fall in love.,Every tear is enclosed with hope.,Hope that one day he’ll love me the way i always did.,

Little girl be a princess that a prince would give up his life for an eternal love and not a damsel coz there is a chance the prince may never come.. :(